Journal Entry dated January 1, 2008 (almost 5 years into our fertility struggles)
"As I walk this road I glance ahead to see a bend obscuring my view of what I am about to encounter. I stop, look behind me...take a glance at this road I've been on. I have stopped to face what I have passed. There are many hills there, some taller than others. I notice a couple spots where mud has covered the road, and all that remains are my footsteps through it. I take note of a few spots where the road has begun to crumble away, but not nearly as bad as the few large holes in the path that could have stopped my journey altogether. Yet, here I stand. My feet broken, cracked and blistered from this walk despite encouraging words from others to continue on this journey. To where? Oh, how my feet ache...yet I can't stop here. I must persevere, and as I turn to face the road ahead I realize that the bend in the road becomes straighter the more steps I take. One step at a time, one foot in front of the other I must keep moving forward."
I help lead a support group at my church for women who deal with infertility, miscarriages, stillbirth, and child loss. We are a small group, but with a huge heart. I know that the need is great, but that many women don't feel that they have any safe place to share their heart. My opener question for tonight was this: What is the greatest need for today's infertile woman? Many responses come to mind: networking, prayer, an understanding spouse, a good doctor, miracles, guidance, someone who listens. We are a group that can provide you with some of those basics. In fact, most, minus the miracles and the spouse....
If you are struggling through any season of loss, even if it is simply the loss of a dream...you are not alone.
You are a part of a community who understands, and all you have to do is reach out. Be willing to take that step. But....even if you don't ever reach out for the support you need to not feel so alone, STILL you are not alone. Even if you are beyond anger and deep into bitterness, God is with you. He will never leave you or forsake you. You have to believe, even when He is silent. It is the hope that gets us through.
When I was too angry to pray, or to sing, or to smile, or to........live life normally, I heard a message that spoke directly to my heart.
Hebrews 13:15 (AMP)
"Through Him, therefore, let us constantly and at all times offer up to God a sacrifice of praise, which is the fruit of lips that thankfully acknowledge and confess and glorify His name."
When you make the choice to praise God no matter what...to ask him to break away the hardness of your heart, and offer up thanksgiving despite all your hurts and pain...God honors that. That is exactly why it is called a SACRIFICE of praise. Because it's not easy!
It wasn't long after that when God began to show us that adoption was his plan for OUR family. God has a plan for every. single. family. Even yours! If you feel overlooked by the Giver of Life...you aren't. Now that we have made it to the "other side"...and Jake brings us so much joy...we can look back on our 8 year journey and know that we kept our faith, clung to our hope, and followed the path we were supposed to. It was the road less traveled. But if I had to do it all over again...ALL OF IT...I would. If it meant having a stronger marriage, a closer walk with God, and a precious newborn son...it was all worth it. And it was God's best for us.