Birthday Reflections

Two years ago if you would have told me that this is what my life would be like now, I would have laughed in your face. Never in my wildest dreams, but obviously in God's, could I have imagined that I would be the mother to two boys, working from home, leading a support group, and running two book clubs. Obviously, I do more than just that...but this life holds such a stark contrast to what my life was like not so long ago.

What has been this year's biggest blessing? Falling in love. Not with just one person or idea or thing. With so many things! This past year has taught me selflessness from so many angles. I feel like I have grown so much this year. Richer relationships, supporting women who are walking my road, spreading the good news of the beauty of adoption, and making new friends all along those paths. But, I will say that 35 wasn't easy this year. I feel like I am just a breath away from 40. Which scares me. I don't look 35, I don't feel 35, I don't act 35. Do I?? 35 hit me hard, no doubt.

Forever I will share a birthday week with my youngest son now. You see, last year we brought Jake home from the hospital as a tiny newborn ON MY BIRTHDAY. You tell me God doesn't make beauty from ashes?! I have lived it. When we walked in that door carrying our newborn son in to meet my whole family, I can't even begin to tell you the indescribable joy that day brought us. After 8 years of longing and waiting, this happened.

Best. Day. Of. My. Life.

You want to talk about selflessness? Not only was that the best day of my life, it was the hardest for Haley. Walking out of that hospital with Jake was the most difficult thing to do. There was weeping on both sides. Weeping on her part for knowing that we were leaving with her newborn son, and weeping on my part to see her hurting. Falling in love this year not only happened with our new son, but it happened with her too. Having an open adoption isn't a hard thing like some imagine. She never wavered in her decision. She chose us to parent him. So why would we waver in our agreement to love her and come alongside her to love this boy as he grows?  Haley has taught me so much this year. And aren't I the old one?!?

The bottom line this year has been love. Loving our sons. Loving watching each other parent. Loving my new "job." Loving this season of life. While turning 35 was hard, it was honestly the best year of my life. I might still have a long life ahead of me, but this year has taught me to live it differently. Live it to the fullest. Seek out moments with God, because I can tell you right now...babies don't make THAT easy.  ;) Prioritize relationships, meet needs, look for ways to use your past hurts to help others heal. I am entering this next season of life  with an open  mind, a prayerful heart, and arms wide open. I can't wait to see how God blesses us this next year. Seriously, could it be any better than this precious little boy?

What are some personal goals you have for your life? I am in a time of deep self-reflection and change. I'd love to hear your goals, your heart, your desires for your life, if you don't mind sharing. I can pray with you.

~Peace

One Day....

It has been a very long time since I sat and typed my thoughts out. I felt so much closure with the last blog post that I felt peaceful enough to put my "pen" down for a while and just enjoy my days...except that my days, well, they just started getting so full. Overflowing, in fact. I cannot believe how the pages have turned so quickly on my calendar this year. I feel like once I get used to it being a new month, it's already another new month. Insane, I tell ya!

Today I was driving about town, being "busy" as usual...(All good things, mind you!) and my iPod shuffled to a favorite song of mine from 2008. I heard the intro, and decided to crank it up and jam with my baby. (He loves to dance!) They say music takes you back...and "they" are right. What was I doing in 2008? I was grappling, searching, drowning, questioning, wondering, hoping...in the depths of my pain from infertility (four years in). It was one of the darkest seasons of my life until our losses. At that time, these lyrics grounded me. Centered me. Helped me to remember that I needed to replace my sorrow with gratefulness, my longing with looking around me. But what did I feel today when I heard it? It's almost indescribable. I felt...happy, secure, faith-filled, trusting, grounded and whole. What a difference a handful of years makes.

Lyrics (Please. Actually read the lyrics. They are amazing!)

Alanis Morrissette  "Incomplete"

One day I’ll find relief
I’ll be arrived and I’ll be a friend to my friends who know how to be friends

One day I’ll be at peace
I’ll be enlightened and I’ll be married with children and maybe adopt

One day I will be healed
I will gather my wounds forge the end of tragic comedy

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time
Of being forever incomplete

One day, my mind will retreat, and I’ll know God and I’ll be constantly one with her night dusk and day
One day I’ll be secure, like the women I see on their 30th anniversaries

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time
Of being forever incomplete

Ever unfolding
Ever expanding
Ever adventurous and torturous
But never done

One day, I will speak freely
I’ll be less afraid
And measured outside of my poems and lyrics and art
One day I will be faith-filled
I’ll be trusting and spacious authentic and grounded and whole

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time
Of being forever incomplete



What I love about the video below is that she spends a good minute or so explaining how this song came to be  for her. Why she was compelled to get it out there. Today I was feeling this...a lot. I love how this woman gets me to thinkin'!

The Other Side

I'm a little late to the scene for Infertility Awareness Week.

More info:
http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/home-page.html

Sorry about that. Actually, I'm not sorry...mainly because it is something I am always aware of. I don't feel the need to give this issue a week of its' own. Having been through it myself, I want to bring this topic to light in a different way, mainly because it has taught me so much about myself and my world. While I love the idea that there is a whole campaign out there to bring infertility to the forefront of people's minds for a bit, I also feel like this type of thing can be a turn-off to actual hands-on ministry. We should always be finding ways to meet needs and mend hurts no matter the issue.

What would matter more to you if you were dealing with infertility?
a. A few friends linking webpages and blogs on facebook to show they care.
b. A woman who has been there, done that sitting with you, listening, praying, drinking tea and sharing in your pain.

If you think about it, we are called to minister with our lives, our relationships. We are supposed to use our past hurts to help the new ones entering into a hard season. This might look different for each person, and everyone has a different personality. But I know that my most beautiful moments in the midst of my pain involved a face-to-face conversation with someone who I knew loved me for me. Someone who didn't hide their emotions or news from me. Someone who gave me tough love when necessary. If you have been through infertility in any way, shape or form...think about how your life can be a ministry to others.

I want to talk to you today mainly about what it is like to be on the other side of infertility.

Over the last few months, I have thought to myself a few times that it sure felt good to not have to worry about my cycle or what day of the month it is. It's really nice to not be pursuing something so whole-heartedly for a change. And then I catch myself, and wonder, "Am I really on the other side? After so many years of this, how will I know I am really, truly, on the other side?" My body has never carried a pregnancy past 7 weeks. I have never given birth. Yet I feel such great healing has taken place within me. Am I the old Kara again? Well, I don't think so. Nor will I ever be the same old Kara. I wasn't meant to be. I have taken this pain and allowed it to teach me things. Did I handle every single situation over those eight years perfectly? Ahem....nope. But I recently started making a list of ways you will know you are reaching the farther side of the bridge. The other side of your grief.

1. Reconciliation.

Infertility has a way of turning the most sane, normal woman into a crazy person. Trust me. And it was in those moments of short-term craziness that I acted how I wouldn't normally have acted. Which, inevitably, either burned bridges or scattered eggshells on the ground between certain people and myself relationally. I hate that. I regret it deeply. But, I am grateful for God who is full of grace. Nobody was out to get me, as much as I believed they were. Nobody was "racing against me" in the pursuit of a baby like I had imagined. Many hours of prayer over this have taught me that even though I handled things poorly at times, God has covered it with his grace. I have given forgiveness to those who hurt me, even if they didn't mean to. I have sought forgiveness as well. And you know you are on the other side when you find reconciliation with those who hurt you, as well as those whom you hurt. When you stand across the bridge and see "water under it" in the place of hurt feelings. I love those deeply who have loved me through my ugliness.


2. Joy

Looking back at those years of infertility, I remember vividly the void it left in my soul. I can remember screaming matches with God in closets. I remember the numbness. I remember fake happiness when I just couldn't muster the real thing. I remember the roller coaster of emotions, and wondering, "Will I ever be happy again?" I even remember reading scriptures that spoke of God turning our sorrow into joy and thinking to myself..."HOW?" But what I want to emphasize with you is not the fact that I ever doubted the Word of God's truth in my life, but more that it IS true. While I will never be the same me I used to be, I wake up each day grateful for my life EXACTLY how it turned out. God really did know best all along. There is not a single thing I would change about our story. I have so much joy most days that I catch myself crying over how happy and joyful I am. So take THAT, infertility. I choose joy. God really has turned my mourning into dancing, and given beauty for ashes.

3. Full Life

When you actually stop and look at all you have in life, things look pretty good. My heart is so full because God has blessed me with parents that still love each other and would do anything for us, siblings on BOTH sides of the family whom we adore and really love spending time with, a beautiful home with plenty of space to spread out, plenty of delicious, healthy food, physical health and relationships with so many good friends. We are so blessed that it is literally a list a mile long of all we have. One of my husband's infamous quotes to me when I would be in the middle of an infertility pity party was, "Kara. You know I love you no matter what. You have got to stop looking at the one thing you don't have, and look at all the things you DO have." No truer words were spoken. And you know what?? I have a baby. Tears well up as I type that sentence. I have a baby. A perfect, beautiful, smart baby boy who God chose to be our son. Adoption may not be right  for everyone, but it sure was right for us. Adoption has made our lives fuller than you can imagine. Is our family complete? I don't know, and can't answer that. If God chooses to open my womb someday then all glory to him. If he asks us to step into yet another place that stretches us even more, then Yes Lord. But nothing can beat the way it feels to have the full home and full life we do have this very moment.

4. Peace

The other side of infertility feels very peaceful. I find myself giddy with excitement at news that, in the past, would have sent me into a downward spiral. I love serving new mommies, pregnant women and ministering to those that are now wearing the beat-up, worn-down shoes I used to wear called infertility. It is very calming and relaxing to not have to constantly think about what day it is in my cycle, did I take my medication, go to yet another zillionth doctor appointment, cry when yet another negative shows. There is a certain peace from looking into my husband's and both of my sons' eyes and knowing that I have all I need.

All this to say, don't give up on yourself, and don't give up on God's plan for your life. Hebrews 12:1 says:
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."

~Peace

Book Review and More Surrounding Yom HaShoah

Today is Yom HaShoah, which is the day we remember the victims and heroes of the Holocaust. It only seems fitting that I pay tribute to this day in some small way, even if it means something only to my heart.

A few years ago, my husband and I had the privilege of taking our oldest son on a vacation to Washington D.C. One of the most important stops on this trip was to the Holocaust Museum.

I have no other photographs from this tour, as no cameras were allowed inside. But I will say that nothing about this trip stands out to me as much as this particular moment, where the body of truth was cut open and laid out before my very eyes. While I can honestly say that I don't feel that I was shielded from this truth as I got older, it just wasn't something that my "world" discussed or educated about. Of course I knew it had happened, and had read the Diary of Anne Frank a jillion times.....but this was a defining moment for me. The tour had an actual virtual progression of time in Nazi Germany, a very realistic mosaic of how life became very bad rather quickly not only for the people of Europe, but more specifically for the Jews.
This link. tells more about the day of remembrance.
This link. tells more about the online exhibits at the US Holocaust Museum in DC.

I am by NO means an expert on the topic, but I will say that in the last few months my interest in the subject of Nazi Germany and WWII has really surfaced. It is a topic that I almost cannot get enough of, even if only to be more educated about the topics, as well as more outspoken about the horror and atrocities of that time period. It all began first, with the museum. Secondly, with THIS book.

My book club chose this as our book of the month about 3 months ago, and ever since then I have been starving for more information on the topic. This is required young adult fiction reading set in Nazi Germany. It is an historical fiction piece that very accurately tells of the ways of life in that setting. The oddest part for me was adjusting to the narrator of the story being death, personified. I HIGHLY recommend this book to ANYONE. Five stars and an A+++++++ from me, as well as from my book club.

No thanks to the previously mentioned book, I have read no less than 6 books since. And all have been about WWII, whether the Pacific front, or the European. Book reviews and info commence!

Because I was so confounded that anyone could be so evil, so "messed up".....I knew I HAD to read a biography of Adolf Hitler.

I am nowhere near finished with this book. But I have read the first portion that tells of Hitler's genealogy (very interesting), as well as his upbringing and earlier years. Here is what I can say I have learned: He had a blended family growing up, but relatively normal family life. He was a terrible student. He lost a brother when he was 9 and never fully recovered emotionally. He was overly attached to his mother, even to the point of borderline hate for his father. He preferred to live alone, and so reclusive as to be evasive as a young man. He was a lover of the opera, as well as a mediocre artist. He dodged the draft for years, which the irony is not lost on me. He was homeless for a couple of years, living on the streets, and lived in men's shelters for years on end. He would often get into rages and fits over "nothing" in particular. Today, I am SURE, he would have been diagnosed psychotic or schizophrenic, neither of which I know enough about to really say. And that is where I am in the book, with over 500 pages left to go.

I am in the middle of reading The Hiding Place, by Corrie ten Boom.

This book tells the non-fiction, actual real story of a Christian family in Holland who had a huge hand in the Underground, which protected the Jews. Corrie has an amazing way of telling how she see's God's hand in their operation and life, and how to place your trust in Him even when there is evil all around. I cannot stop reading this book. It is truly fascinating, and sharing a faith with Corrie, helps me see that God's hand truly is in it all.

This next book, I read a few years ago, was NOT a good one for me.

As this is mostly a novel about a Russian Jewish family's immigration to New York City, the narration and profanity were not something I enjoyed. It was a celebrity favorite in a magazine I read, so I thought I would read it. I guess I need to keep in mind celebrities do NOT know best when it comes to books. (ahem....Oprah too.)

This will be my next book, and despite that Oprah does recommend this book, I have heard that several of my friends also recommend it. So when I put down The Hiding Place, I will pick up:

This next book is not set in Germany or Holland, but is from the same time period in France.

This is also a movie from 2010, which I really would love to rent and watch. The book was really good, even though so heart-wrenching. It is a fiction book set in Paris, July 1942: Sarah, a ten year-old girl, is brutally arrested with her family by the French police in the Vel' d'Hiv' roundup, but not before she locks her younger brother in a cupboard in the family's apartment, thinking that she will be back within a few hours. Filled with tragedy surrounding this key event, the beauty of the story comes at the end with the power of reconciliation and forgiveness, as well as embracing the past with unity. A+++

The last two books I will rate were non-fiction pieces in regards to the Pacific WWII front. I highly recommend this book. The man whose story unfolds on these pages is truly an inspiration to me.

If you prefer non-fiction, make this your next read. It is amazing to me that any human can survive such cruelties and events and live to not only tell about them, but show the power of God's grace and healing.

This last book is more of a play-by-play from different American special forces men, who tell the stories of their experiences as either POW, or what specific battles were like. It is not elaborate, and doesn't whet my appetite for more like the other books did. But it is good for learning.

I am not eloquent with my thoughts or words, but my heart is in the right place. I hope that by sharing the truth about this time period with others and the future generations we can show love to all people, and learn to never stand in silence when evil and cruelty are present. May we all remember, today and always, the victims, survivors and heroes of the Holocaust.

~Peace


 

Top Ten for Now

I know the stretches between my blog posts are annoyingly long, but honestly, I don't think I am disappointing a massive amount of people. To my three readers: Thank you for reading. ;)

Here is my current Top Ten of what I am loving in life!

1. Pimpin' my minivan all over town. Heated seats and automatic doors? Yes please!

2. Using my Boba 3G carrier! It helps me grocery shop, cook breakfast, and put away dishes with TWO hands!

3. Books, books and more books. I am now in not one, but TWO book clubs! Aye aye aye. It is a serious addiction....one book leads to another.

4. Trying new recipes! I have tried two new ones recently that are really good! The boys approve.
Tonight's was so GOOD!

Credit:  http://www.cinnamonspiceandeverythingnice.com/honey-mustard-pretzel-chicken/

5. Loving the kisses, cuddles, smiles and affection that this boy gives me all day everyday. He is an AMAZING baby....I am so blessed!

6. Stayton has his driver's permit! Woohoo! Only 6 months till he can become his own taxi. No more of THIS for me for a while....

 7. Business is booming! Sleek to Chic got to go to the DFW Home Show last weekend, and now my vendor list is twice as long, and new samples are on their way! If you need design advice, don't hesitate to ask! Even if you don't live in DFW, or even Texas for that matter! I do virtual makeovers too.

sleektochic@gmail.com

8. My husband. I am madly in love with him. Almost school-girl-crush-crazy over him. How is that possible after this long?? Seriously. Look at him!

9. Metallic paints. Enough said.

http://goodbonesgreatpieces.com/piece/indian-metal-chest/

 10. My Facebook business page! Send a friend over to it to "like" and follow! I hope to do a giveaway again soon. In the search box at the top of facebook, type in Sleek to Chic Interiors and my business pops up. See you there!

That is all for now, friends. Have a great night!

A Tribute to My Sons

My life is full of moments of irony lately. I have one son who is going on his first date ever this weekend, and one son trying very hard to crawl. My oldest is receiving college information packets in the mail, while the other is eating the mail. I can't keep my oldest fed enough...he eats us out of house and home; while my youngest is learning the art of swallowing just a single bite. One son would sleep all day if we let him, while the other we cross our fingers and pray that he WILL sleep.

Motherhood has been an interesting journey for me lately. Sometimes I am in a moment and savoring it like nobody's business; while other times I am dying to know what is going on outside these four walls. I have thought often that I am living the dream. It's just that the dream is not easy. I knew it wouldn't be...but here are some things I keep wondering about when life will be "normal" again.

My house was cleaner before I quit my "real job."

I had time to take real showers and style my hair.

I had time to use the restroom without my littlest crying as if the sky was falling while I did so.

I made healthy, fresh-cooked meals that could compete with real cooks.

I could carry a leadership role like nobody's business. Details were my thing.

Laundry was done once a week. Now it is never done. It just migrates.


But you know what?? All of this is growing on me. I have stopped apologizing for the clothes that have taken over the sofa. I have stopped using windex like a mad-woman prior to a pop-in visit. I have stopped worrying about my appearance *as much*. (I am just not the type to let myself go....but curly-hair days? Yes, please. And ALWAYS mascara and lipstick. After all, a day without lipstick is like a day without sunshine.) I have come to realize that it is not my job to impress. I don't have to prove my perfection to anyone. Mainly because I am not perfect, no matter how much effort I put forth. But the main reason? My sons love me. My husband loves me. No matter if the clothes walked from the living room to the bedroom. No matter if the fingerprints are cleaned away. No matter if our meals are "quick" rather than "gourmet." My sons love me.

My oldest is growing into such a handsome young man. He is putting forth great effort in school to keep his grades up. He is spending time with us as a family. He is attending church because he WANTS to. While he has a flair for drama when it comes to sports injuries (that's a whole 'nother story), and he doesn't know the meaning of "light a fire under him," he has such a precious spirit that you can't help but fall in love with him. He is constantly loving on his little brother, giggling with him and kissing him. He has always been so tender towards me. Just this week he gave me the best compliment to date...that I still look 24. Just a few weeks ago, he went to a birthday party down the street. Evidently 3 teens showed up uninvited and with alcohol in hand even though her parents were home. What did my oldest do? The opposite of what the rest of them did. He got his crutches, and he hobbled back down the street 2 hours earlier than curfew. He walked in the front door, sat down and said, "Mom, I want to talk to you about the birthday party I was just at." That takes guts, people. He may not be the most highly motivated teenager ever, but I don't care. He took a stand at a tender age. Wow. My Stayton is so fun, and I count it an honor and blessing to have had the privilege to help raise him for so many years. I can't wait to see what God does with his life. Which college? What major? Which future wife? What career? I love the stage of life he is in because the possibilities are endless. He was the first boy to ever call me "Mom." Before that, I was just "Kawa."

Oh, where do I even begin with Jake? His middle name should have been Drama. EVERYTHING is done with gusto and passion. See this here toy, Momma? I'm gonna destroy it. Look at that puppy mom! I'm gonna pull her hair. Oooooh, another pretty lady! I'm gonna flirt with her till she melts. His smile in bed each morning, to the weary bedtime bottle....his emotions are on his face. He is all smiles...well, at least until he accidentally drops his fake cell phone. He cries like he broke his arm when he drops it.  He can't even take a bottle without moving some part of his body. Hands, feet, legs, eyebrows. He never stops...and he hasn't even become truly mobile yet! He is definitely going to keep me on my toes, no doubt. He is We are trying very hard with the baby solids. But he isn't catching on so well. We put a bite in, and he leaves it on his tongue, makes a yucky face, and once it mixes with his drool it just sort of oozes out and gets all over everything. (I am not apologizing for the green pea puree on the floor. Get over it.) During bath time, he tries to make rubber ducky sink, then gets mad when he pops right back up. He bawls when it is time to dry off. He loves to play with his cousins. Evie and Christian are his newest obsession when we go over there. He and Evie hugged and kissed this week. It was so cute!

My youngest has his whole life ahead of him! But for now, were are enjoying our snuggle time, cuddle time, and just watching his daily explorations. He is such a sweet, precious baby. How blessed am I to be his mommy! My life is very, very full. And without my two sons, life just wouldn't have as much depth and "free entertainment." Thank you God for my family!

~Peace

Ready for Some Fun

It has been a long few weeks around here. My household is not faring too well these days. With Stayton's ankle injury still not healed, and the colds and ear infections that are still running their course with us, needless to say the days are seeming LONG and monotonous. I am ready for some fun, so I thought I would type out a list of things I am looking FORWARD to...some things to perk me up.

#1: A Valentine's Getaway with my man! He has booked a night away at this hotel in McKinney! (I hear it's haunted....mwaahahah. j/k)

#2: Meeting with a Contractor to update my finish samples inventory!

#3: For Sweet Baby Jake to feel well again! (I seriously cannot handle the cuteness of the cellulite above the baby legs.)

 #4: To finish this book (not my fave, but still good)

#5: So that I can start this book for book club!

#6: Ordering a pretty scarf/headband like this soon from O Bella Organics:

I know, I know....exciting, huh?! 

But really, despite the sickies having invaded our home, life is still good. The business is taking off just like I had hoped it would, and I am meeting new friends along the way. Can't complain! Happy Tuesday. (It is Tuesday, right?)

~Peace